Please Bear With Us

The urge to anthropomorphize my DSL line is overwhelming these days, since it behaves like kitchen staff who disappear at inconvenient times to smoke joints out by the dumpster. Sometimes it winks out for a minute or less, other times it’s gone so long I switch to dialup for a few minutes, which almost always brings DSL back, as if it’s afraid of being fired. It should be. Cable modem is calling me, though I hear they have their issues too.

A “page” called UHP Diagnostic Test always appears to let me know that DSL is down, and it includes the option of “Click Here to See DSL Statistics.” When you do, you see:

ADSL Connection Down
Downstream Bit Rate 0 Kbps
Upstream Bit Rate 0 Kbps
Downstream Capacity Occupation 0%
Downstream Noise Margin 0 dB
Downstream Attenuation 0 dB
Downstream Output Power 0 dBm
Upstream Capacity Occupation 0%
Upstream Noise Margin 0 dB
Upstream Attenuation 0 dB
Upstream Output Power 0 dBm

Attenuation? Capacity Occupation? Noise Margin? That seems like a lot of zeroes just to say Your Connection is Hosed, Dude. I’d be happier if it simply had “We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties, Please Bear With Us” as TV stations used to do when a technician tripped over the main power line or some such.