Two-Dollar Star Trek

Star Trek was a $2 movie. That is, I waited until recently to see it, after it arrived at the second-run theater closest to us, which charges $2 for most shows. Also, it was worth about $2. It insulted my intelligence on occasion, but not consistently, and it had all the homages you'd expect, plus a lot of action and explosions.

My favorite homage was during the "space skydiving" bit. Who goes along on that dangerous mission? Kirk, Sulu and this guy Olsen, whom we don't know. He's wearing a red spacesuit, this Olsen. So you know what's going to happen to him. Sure enough, it does.

Still, like in many movies, the producers paid a lot more attention to special effects than the story. In fact, the story doesn't really make any sense, even in the context of the Star Trek franchise -- or at least less than some of other entries in the franchise. The entire edifice was built to get young Kirk, Spock, McCoy et al. all together in their familiar roles to kick some bad-guy butt, after various setbacks.

All kinds of absurdities are needed reach to that point, from an unbelievably fast-and-loose system of Federation field promotions for cadets to the unbelievable actions of the main villain, who can destroy scores of opposing spaceships, indeed whole planets, but somehow doesn't think to go to his home world (Romulus) and make himself emperor.

Yet it's some kind of tribute to the filmmakers that you don't notice all of the absurdities until later. That's the same sort of achievement that The X Files used to pull off most every week.

Some of the absurdities were noticeable right away, however, and one in particular bothered me more than the rest -- the idea of a "supernova" threatening "the galaxy." That's one whopping big "supernova," friends. Which seems to creep along through space, wasting planets.

I don't expect real physics and astronomy from Star Trek, but I do expect higher-quality bogus physics and astronomy than that. The scriptwriters couldn't make up something a little less ridiculous? They've got 40 years' of material to draw from, plus other masters at the game they could borrow from, such as Doctor Who.

I can make up something better, on the spot, for free, such as "the threat of an oscillating, intermittent rift in the fabric of space-time caused by neutrino cascades -- the kind that threatens whole planets unpredictably -- and which can only be mended with the application of a little red matter, which in turn can only be kept stable by a finely-tuned Vulcan mind in the company of no one else." Or something along those lines.

Otherwise, why would the Romulans entrust saving their planet to one person in a small ship? Wouldn't a threat like that merit getting the Romulan equivalent of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers on the job, pronto?

See how easy that was? I didn't have to use much technobabble, only a sentence's worth. "Supernova"? That's down at the Irwin Allen level. Even at this late date, Star Trek should be more plausible than Lost in Space.