Readings by Ashley

Every week or so, a collection of rectangular circulars arrives in the mail promising big savings on things I need. Sometimes I give it the thumb-through. Oil changes. Landscaping. Tanning. Jim’s Plumbing & Drains “R” Us (Power Rodding As Low As $60. Easy Access [?]. 1 Year Guarantee. 1 Free Rerod. *Some Restrictions Apply). I’m not sure what power rodding and a free rerod might be, but as long as people practice them in the privacy of their own homes, that’s fine by me.

Best of all was a yellow slip of paper advertising World Gifted PSYCHIC READINGS by ASHLEY. That should be “World Gifted,” since I’m having trouble figuring out how those two words are supposed to mate in a meaningful way. Ashley promises a number of psychic services, including “insight to your future,” “peace of mind for the present,” and “meaning to your past,” which covers all the temporal bases. Also, she’ll “remove all obstacles that have been in your way of happiness.” (Hm. Well, she’s a psychic, not an editor.) Finally: “Specializes to [sic] bringing back lovers.” In case that stalking hasn’t been working out.

But there’s more! “1 Free Question by Phone With This Coupon.” Oh, that made me grin. The teenage prankster in me grinned, that is. Not that I was much of a prankster as a teen, but I should have been. So I should call Ashley and have a little fun, except maybe she has caller ID and would hex me bad if I trifled with her. Anyway, I spent a little time today thinking about which free question I would ask.

What’s that screaming in the basement?

How do you know I really have a coupon?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

What was the capital of ancient Assyria? (Or, what’s the airspeed velocity of a coconut-laden swallow, either European or African?)

What’s the difference between a duck?

How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?

That’s cheating, because I know the answer to that last one: 42. Forty-two is the answer to all important questions about life, the universe and everything. Also, it’s because oranges can’t fly, ice cream has no bones, and motorcycles have no doors.

Don’t mind me, some days I feel absurd and have to write through it. It’s especially absurd that Ashley can make a living at that—takes Visa and MasterCard, she does.